47-year-old wife earning 25% more than her husband hides 20% of her annual bonus from him so he doesn't judge her spending habits: 'He comments every time I buy something about how much it costs, and I just can't stand it.'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Dec 5, 2025 8:00 PM EST

They are both hiding money from each other.

One of the most essential things in a marriage is being honest with your partner. If you're afraid to communicate with them about something that's bothering you, or are hiding something big from them, this feeling is going to come out in other ways. If you're mad that your husband never takes out the trash, even when it's overflowing, and you don't tell him you're angry about that, you're more likely to be passive-aggressive or yell at him. You might argue that he should know to take the trash out when it's overflowing, and you'd be right, but he must understand his incompetence is hurting his wife's feelings. If he knows that, he might change and start taking out the trash. Or maybe he doesn't care that it upsets his wife, and if so, there are definitely deeper issues in the relationship that need to be examined.

Hiding money and assets from your partner can be a big red flag. Sometimes people hide money from their partner because they're in a bad relationship and need money to get out of it. Other times, people don't trust their partners with a large sum of money, and instead of talking about that issue like adults, they hide the money and let the underlying problems simmer. 

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  • A woman holding a stack of money in her hands
    via Kateryna Hliznitsova (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • The husband and wife in this story are both hiding money from each other because they cannot communicate about their problems. The husband is always jumping down his wife's throat for making household purchases, while he constantly blows money on toys.

  • Am I the bad guy for keeping some of my bonus secret from my husband?

    I (47f) and my husband (51m) have been married for over 20 years. We operate our accounts jointly with all of our salaries being paid into the joint account each month and all bills including mortgage being paid from the joint account.
    via u/SadImprovement4834
  • I earn approx 25% more than my husband as a salary but our wages are basically pooled for family use This is where I think I might be the AH. I am also entitled to an annual bonus. I have been
    via u/SadImprovement4834
  • secretly diverting approx 20% of that bonus to an account only in my name. I do this because whilst my husband doesn't curb my spending, he does comment every time I buy something about how much it costs and I just can't stand hearing that. So I use this account for my discretionary spending, so I just don't have to listen to that question every time.
    via u/SadImprovement4834
  • So am I the AH for hiding some of my bonus from my husband? UPDATE: Thanks all, as I suspected, I am the AH. However, a bit more context for the group:
    via u/SadImprovement4834
  • • My husband is paid about 25% of his income in cash, which is NOT deposited to our joint account. He also does cash jobs on the weekend. All of these cash payments go to his cash pile which he keeps in the house.
    via u/SadImprovement4834
  • I have no idea how much cash he has accumulated, he occasionally deposits some to our joint bank account but I don't keep track of the ins and outs of his cash payments so whilst I know he has a slush fund, I don't care
    via u/SadImprovement4834
  • • Some of you asked about our financial situation. We are very fortunate that we don't need to worry about money. Our home is paid off and we have 2 investment properties (which both have manageable mortgages), we have quite a bit in savings and regularly holiday
    via u/SadImprovement4834
  • Sunbed and parasol on empty sandy beach during low season or early in the morning sea and ocean paradise and vacation concept
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • • The comments about spending from my husband do not relate to big or frequent purchases by me. I am not a shopper. I literally have 5 pairs of shoes and not much clothing, simply because I HATE shopping.
    via u/SadImprovement4834
  • The comments about the cost of items simply happens for every day purchases, as an example, tonight we went to the shops quickly and I purchased 2 x $6 items, and the comment was 'what are you buying 2 for?'
    via u/SadImprovement4834
  • as to the comments about if my husband has money for sneaky purchases of his own, well I guess he does because he has bought multiple big ticket items (think cars and boats), without consulting me first from his cash stash and honestly didn't care, because we have the money to do so
    via u/SadImprovement4834
  • Red Ferrari 458 Italia parked near gray building
    via Lance Asper

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • But I will obviously have to self reflect because I suspect I don't care about his big purchases because I know what I am doing with my own sneaky fund, and there is probably a better way
    via u/SadImprovement4834
  • JadedByFire I guess it depends on whether you'd feel the same if you found out your husband had been diverting money to a separate account for years without telling you. If you'd be fine with that, then NTA I'm not even saying YTA for doing it, but if your husband found out about you lying to him - not only about the diverted money but also, I'm assuming, hiding your purchases and/or how much they cost, your marriage may end up a bit rocky.
    via u/JadedByFire
  • K_A_irony YTA. You need for you two to both agree to have separate personal accounts for discretionary spending. He gets one, you get one. Lying about money is really wrong in a marriage. If you two can't agree on this discretionary spending accounts, you have bigger issues. I say this as a woman who is married long term. You don't hide money from your spouse. I have my account, he has his account, and we have a joint account.
    via u/K_A_irony
  • Professional_Pop8867 Wow to me YTA. Just ask yourself how you'd react if this was an opposite situation? You'll get your answer.
    via u/Professional_Pop8867
  • uniqueme1 Yta. Secrets are toxic to a marriage. If you wanted to do it and tell him that you were? No problem. You doing it on the sly because it's too hard of a conversation? That's a sign of trouble in the relationship.
    via u/Professional_Pop8867
  • mrmasterly I mean... yeah YTA. Not for wanting to have a separate account you fund, but for the hiding it. If your relationship is so shitty you can't address the passive aggressive and/or overtly snarky comments and have him respond respectfully then you have bigger problems than your bonus. I assume he would go after half your bag if you ditched his ass?
    via u/mrmasterly
  • Affectionate_Bat3402 I think it depends if you found out he was getting a bonus every year and hiding it from you would you be fine with it? For me I wouldn't hide money from my husband and I wouldn't want him hiding it from me. You've been together 20 years you should be able to have a conversation about not wanting to hear his comments about spending instead of just hiding money.
    via u/Affectionate_Bat3402
  • MarionberryOk2874 You're NTA for wanting your 'own money' for discretionary spending, but YTA for lying about it.
    via u/MarionberryOk2874
  • mygardengrows Advice from my nana: every smart dog buries a few bones. NTAH
    via u/mygardengrows
  • CoachMACC Let's be real if he was putting money into another account, you'd be accusing him of cheating. YTA
    via u/CoachMACC
  • YTA marcaygol Why I'm not surprised to see comments condoning lying and financial infidelity based purely on OP's gender?
    via u/marcaygol

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